Monday, May 22, 2006

In a Flawed world

I came back home disappointed;
I hadn’t the nerve to cry,
for it is almost a universal rule-
that boys don’t cry.

I had a heart of lead,
and cotton in my lungs;
I could not tell-
I could not share-
for I had no real friend.
all I could do was sulk alone-
be solitary,
fell weak, pathetic.

for I was a boy,
and isn’t it almost a universal rule-
that boys don’t cry.

how do we share our grief?
how do we stop the tears?
how do you lighten your heart-
for cry you don’t dare!!

so you sulk in peace you cant enjoy,
you long for a friend you can but find,
hate the universal rule and wonder,
why boys cant cry.

I wrote that a long time ago, in school. In 9th grade to be precise. Now when I read it, I feel how far I’ve come from that, and I can credit my sorrow only to my inadequacy to cope with it then. How I naïve I was then, and how far I’ve come since.

I don’t mean to imply that I’m perfect now, but I do advocate the fact that I’ve spent this time to analyse and overcome my flaws. I don’t mean to say I’ve succeeded completely, but looking back, I am somewhat proud of myself.

But still, in the areas I think I have managed to almost fully eliminate my shortcomings, have I stopped facing problems? Is it an absolutely smooth sailing there? If no, shouldn’t it be so?

(I guess the reason why I am speaking by way of example of the ship is that I don’t want to sound too pompous in naming the flaw I believe to have eliminated completely, as the very reason I’m doing this analysis is because I fear very much that I haven’t, hence leading me to further fear that while I fool myself with romantic ideas about my victory over this certain flaw, my titanic might just sink!!)

Well…it’s not exactly what I expect it to be, I mean, I this ship does bump an occasional iceberg here and there, so what does this mean?
There can only be two conclusions, one, am I still flawed and too pompous to face it, and two is there some other reason I still haven’t been able to fathom.

If the former be the case, then I should try to redo the whole algebra involved in deriving my current status of how I sail my ship today? But it is a fact that my ship has better navigation than the average person in its sea. Also, more than five people have asked for advice on how to sail their ship, and commended me later. What does this tell me?

Considering the latter and scanning the horizon, consistency tells me maybe I face icebergs only in certain waters, let’s call them imperfect waters for now.(and free myself of some guilt!)

I time and again recheck my algebra, be sure, confident, and lock the answer (yes, I consider it as crucial as answering the 2Crore question in KBC2). I self assuredly set out to another sailing, challenging the sea, waiting for the icebergs in the “imperfect waters”.

Come to think of it, shouldn’t I be looking at the broader picture? Maybe the icebergs I talk about are merely other ships who haven’t trimmed their helms like I have to face icebergs. Maybe it’s their imperfections that make me think I haven’t succeeded. Yes it IS true, it IS that.

That’s it, my dilemma is over.

I know it seems like the conclusion is something I want to believe, rather than the real picture, but believing what I want to believe isn’t one flaw I claim to have overcome. And if it finally gives me peace of mind, so be it!

Every one of us is flawed, and we live in a flawed world among flawed people following flawed rules in a flawed society. Flawed is the only way to be, if you try to be perfect, you just end up leaning on another flaw to find a, well, flawed answer!!

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